Live From New York

This, too, is New York.

I have realised that it is harder to make new acquaintances than I had anticipated. It is partly, I think, that I am really in some ways too old for some of the antics that the people here get up to. There are certain things that seem to me to be too self-indulgent or pointless to go through with, and that does form a barrier to quickly establishing new connections, a quickness that is especially important in the rapidly shifting circumstances of the freshman year. But more importantly, I think, than the age differential is the gap in perspectives. It is not that people here are unable to appreciate the irony or self-indulgence of what is happening around us; indeed, some people have spotted them before I have. It is a fundamental disconnect in the vocabulary and modes of communication between me and them that hampers the capitalisation on that common realisation. The potential of the shared insight is thus unable to be harnessed as a social device.

In quite a few ways, then, I find it impossible to understand where these people are coming from. Beyond very basic, functional levels, I can't seem to read them and their intentions, and thus find myself at a loss as to how to respond to some of their behaviour. Of course, one must always be nice, but sometimes being nice seems to muddle the situation even more. It elicits responses that I cannot seem to account for; and what is more fearsome than nastiness is random nastiness, which cannot be grasped and thus avoided. And all this demands a set of social conventions and an interpersonal vocabulary that I have not figured out yet - that I need to figure out fast. It is clear, at least, that the problem lies in me, rather than in them.

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I find myself entertaining myself for quite a substantial amount of time, therefore, and I can see that it is becoming unhealthy. It is simply that putting in the necessary effort is so tiring and ineffective. But that is certainly not to say that I'm sad or upset. Apprehensive, yes. Sometimes irritated, or frustrated. But not sad or upset. This is New York, and it is big enough and thick enough to offer anyone - and stranger - distraction and enrichment.

The picture above was taken on the last bluesky day of the week, from the Staten Island ferry. On Saturday, we spent the day out in the city, and visited a beach on Staten Island, taking some time to frolic in the surf and across the sand. I was snapping a shot every other minute, because the scenery and the shifting situations simply proved too compelling, from every angle. And when you see a scene like that one above, its beauty arrests you, and its wonder overwhelms you, and drives all other thoughts out, leaving a vacuum that is filled by incredulity and awe. Scenes like this show how a place is filled with promise, and that promise gives one the courage to hope, and to try, and to put in the effort.

And then there is the Columbia Urban Experience. It couldn't have been a more awesome introduction to this place and its people, I think. Well, it could have been better, I guess, but I couldn't have rightly asked for more, because I do think my lack of sustained effort and comprehension is the cause of its shortfalls where I am concerned. The people were immensely helpful and thoughtful, and the programme exposed me to sides of New York that I definitely could not have accessed by myself. I miss the familiar faces and the clarity of purpose that we shared (even if we did not share a certain clarity in meaning). Most of all, I miss the kids that we worked with. I will have to write more about CUE some other time, but let me say this: this programme has meant more to me than I can say.

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And moving on from the last day of CUE, we had the convocation ceremony for the first-years today. I have to say I was approaching it rather cynically, seeing that it was basically a self-congratulatory orgy on the South Lawn, but I have to admit that I was deeply impressed by what was said. Belinda Archibong, the student leader responsible for the New Student Orientation Programme, spoke movingly and eloquently about how being a Columbia student makes available special opportunities to one to grow intellectually and emotionally. She ended off with a "I am Belinda Archibong. I am a student at Columbia University - and so are you" that sent a shiver down my spine. And then Dean Quigley of the College spoke about how matriculating means that live would "never be quite the same again", and how, even though we were about to undergo deep changes in our lives, we should try to maintain a measure of continuity with our pasts, so that the past will help to make sense out of these disorienting shifts. Basically, all things change - but all things must not change at the same time.

And, for the first time, in a very real way, the realisation struck me that this place is not just a place for learning, but a place for growing. That New York is not just nice scenery, but an interactive and mutually supporting environment, a context within which to live, and which informs all aspects of one's life here. That Columbia is not just a school, but a mindset. The enormity of the choices and opportunities that lie ahead are daunting. I feel intimidated by everyone I meet, because of their diverse and richly detailed experiences that I cannot hope to parallel. They are offering me so much, and I am not equipped well enough at the moment to take full advantage. And even worse, I am at a real loss as to what item of value that I can actually offer in return.

So things are awesome and fearsome, incredible and intolerable. I still feel like a spectator to all these things that are going on around me. But it certainly is only a matter of time before I find someone I can really talk to here. I believe this to be true, out of an act of faith in the opportunities offered by this place. In the meantime, though, I pray for courtesy and patience, which will provide the strength I need to pull through all this at the moment.