Felis Navidad Prospero Anno Felicidad

The last two nights have been filled with dreams, some pleasant, and others awful. But the sensations are always intense, and so happiness is almost shameful in its power, and fright is suffocating in its immediacy. And for some reason, these dreams were like a showcase of practically everyone who had kept in contact with me over the last year. Family members played their roles; friends were sometimes scrutinised so intimately that it seemed like telepathy. What these dreams mean, I don't have a clue. And I can't really say that I particularly enjoyed meeting everyone over Christmas through this medium. But there was something haunting about these dreams: haunting enough that I actually remember them after waking up, something that practically never happens to me. Something that said, over and over, to remember, remember, and to remember well.

*

...and when I think back on the year that has passed, I am amazed by how lucky I've been. Had an Army experience that was not altogether a waste of time, and in fact has been productive and meaningful, beyond my wildest expectations. Throughout the last year, I've known some really great people, who've made Army worth the trouble, and outside Army, who've been utterly dependable and understanding. I've had a good summer, despite the ever-present feeling of being left behind by the people who fly off to go back to school. And I've had an absolutely wonderful end to the year, with the two trips and, now, a good Christmas as well.

By all accounts this year has been better than I've had a right to expect. In some ways, it has even been a happier year, a year of reliable patterns and routines that exceeded even the busiest periods in the JC years. A year of reaffirmations and surprises, of old certainties revisited and new avenues revealed to previously neglected aspects of my life. It's the kind of year that constantly gives you a diffuse, low buzz of astonishment; some part of you is constantly surprised at how things are going so well, and a bit skeptical that all is actually as rosy as it is.

Which is, to be fair, a valid point. At this point of the year, after a Christmas celebration and facing a new, fresh year to come, the urge to romanticise and idealise everything that has passed is strong. One needs to feel like the year has gone past productively, in order to have the confidence to look forward to the next one. And so the constant pressures and irritations of the previous year are glossed over, and if they can't be hidden, then they are read with the perfect vision of hindsight to be part of a grand, intricate scheme leading to a brighter tomorrow. One needs to believe that each passing day is leading towards something more, something higher, to give meaning to why one should put so much effort into living.

And call it self-delusion, but my instinctual emphasis on small delightful everyday things keeps me happy, and I think it's a fair liberty to take, a small distortion to allow myself to be content enough to do more useful things. And so I linger over letters from abroad, I revisit old photographs, I tread well-worn memories. And I count myself doubly lucky to have so many of such things to look back towards for this year. If I told you just how much I appreciate every small gesture that keeps me balanced and sane, I would be giving a gross underestimation.

And...looking forward. The year 2007 is almost at an end, and 2008 looms ahead, hopeful, new, gleaming in its freshness, a promise and an opportunity hanging prestine in the quickly-evaporating future. 2008: I have waited so long for it to come, and now, time is moving forward again, and there is not only direction to life, but also velocity. A part of me wants to remain, yearningly, in this state of anticipation of a great opportunity promised to me. But that part is mollified by the far more insistent part that draws on the experience of the last year, and especially on the two most recent trips, to argue eloquently that the future is not something to be dreaded, because it will be delightful in surprising, new ways, and all one needs is an open mind and a receptive heart. So let the new year come, and let 2007 pass away peacefully, and let it be cloaked in glorious memory.