3resilience

This year, I will pass the new year at home.

It occurs to me that this is a bit of a cop-out. Originally, I had intended to go down to Marina Bay to get lost in the throngs in search of that wave of euphoria that wells up as we commemorate the hope and despair in the temporality of experience. Despair because time passes and brings change unpredictably to things that we cherish and hope never to have to give up. Hope because time passes and brings change unpredictably to things that we fear and dread and can't wait to give up. In this confusion a kind of fusion is born, and philosophy falls, broken, to the sidelines while people celebrate for all sorts of motivations - but they celebrate, and this is the energy that I am looking for.

But I haven't been able to find anyone who wants to go down with me to join the crowds at the Esplanade. This in itself isn't so odd - last year, too, I wasn't able to find anyone to go along. But last year, the supreme need was to be swept away from a way of life, to be uplifted from the drudgery of the Army, to be surprised into wakefulness and consciousness, and to have my faith in the workings of the heavens restored by the miracle of fellow-feeling among strangers. This year, in contrast, I am not in search of a concept: I am in search of company. And since there is no company to be had at the Esplanade, far better it is, then, to enjoy the company of family at home. And even the symbolic value of being in the middle of a crowd singing Aude Lang Syne is lost - what is the point of the ritual if there is no meaning behind it?

Nah, this year, fireworks alone doesn't outweight what I have at home, and what I have in store just beyond the brink of Tomorrow. Behind, a year well spent, and well-defined by what people have offered me, beyond all my expectations. My colleagues and men in the Army, all solid and dependable people, people I am proud to work with, and who have shown me, each and every one of them, that this experience need not be a complete loss, that every moment matters and you have to live for each other, commit to one another, to make it work. My friends here, who have been dependably around whenever boredom or despair loomed threateningly, who have kept their (and my) sense of humour and perspective alive despite it all, who have shown me how to grow up properly and productively. My friends abroad, who have put in that precious effort to keep in contact, and who gave me a wonderful summer this year, bringing back their stories of Elsewhere and their old personalities and idiosyncracies like heirlooms. And of course, my family, who have never stopped supporting me, who have been as good companions as they have been good sounding boards against which to vent and rant.

And next year - a year of velocity, of acute awareness of a destination and energetic progress towards it. A year starting, unprecendented, with a trip abroad (and perhaps the last of its kind for close to four years). A year stretching ahead, pure, unplanned - structured time ends after 9 January, and beyond that is a pristine prairie of time waiting for new projects and new attempts, and, perhaps, also old things renewed. And in August -

2008, long-awaited and yearned for, is about to start. Has started in New Zealand and Australia. On TV, Sydneysiders launch fireworks from the harbour and the Bridge. And to think, in Europe and the Americas, today is just starting. For others, the potential that already lies in the past here is still fresh and ready to be tapped. A part of me still wants to hang on to this feeling of anticipation, of the delicious thrill at the edge of the new year. A part of me prefers to enjoy the idea of the thing, the safe, harmless idea that can so easily and comfortably conform to what I want it to be like. But let the thing itself, so long-anticipated, come. And let us move on.

Happy 2008 to all. May it start splendidly, and may it bring ever more enrichment and fulfilment to everyone's personal experiences.